Provocateur
Step one: Trust.
You and I, we were in this together. We took care and protected that which we ruled. Trust was the language we spoke.
It was such a sweet sleep.
…
It was such a rude awakening.
Woke is not a description of how well you articulate social injustice. It is a state of being.
When you are not safe you do not sleep. No matter how many times you close your eyes, there’s no rest.
That’s woke.
Step two: Anger.
You and I, we lost each other. I looked for you, but soon saw that you left my side long ago.
You set the rules for war. Nothing good will come of this.
I scream, I shout. I’m shot.
And now I am the instigator of violence.
A con artist of connection. You fooled me and took lives, laughing.
Anger is the only reasonable initial reaction.
And war begets war.
Betrayal is a special kind of terror.
Step three: Separation.
You and I, we must be different animals. It is the only way I can reconcile this damage.
After my anger has destroyed me, I rise in a different form.
Clenched jaw. Bitten tongue. Narrowed focus. This has become my norm.
There is only so much trauma that one can hold. There is only so much history I’m willing to relive.
Dissociation allows me to build a strategy to stop this terror.
Dissociation comes cloaked in strength.
Step four. Impatience
We have been here before. I am growing weary.
My impatience is demanding, exhausting, incessant.
It has been too long. I am too tired. I have no time for this.
Impatience. It is a poison. It breeds contempt. It creates distance.
It sometimes is the only force strong enough to revive.
Step five. Rest.
You and I, our bodies yearn to make amends. We will never forget our beginnings.
But memory will not overpower carnage.
Strength is a limited resource. I need rest from this.
Rest, is a process of slow, deliberate unhooking.
This is a task of endurance. You will not outrun me.
We are in a great churning. There is no clear path to reconnection.
The damage is too much for me to contain. The terror is too much for us all to absorb.
There are two things I know. And only two.
I will not let my impatience poison me.
I will not let you fool me again.